Sometimes I lay in bed and cry. Sometimes I sit there and hate myself. Sometimes when I’m laying in bed late at night I think about what people would do without me. All the times though, I wonder what I’m doing wrong everyday of my life.I would feel better if I knew something was really wrong with me. It’s cold then hot then cold again. I feel shaky. I feel nervous. I feel afraid. I feel unwanted. I feel fine. I’m fine I guess. Is it normal to be this way?
It was fine at first but I don’t know what happened that made me feel different. I started feeling completly not like myself and I couldn’t figure out why. I was irritated easily, I couldn’t hold still. I couldn’t focus. My brain was everywhere and nowhere all at once. Why!?!
I was with my mother when I first noticed it. She would get so mad at me because I gave her a dirty look, but I didn’t think I was givin her one. Then she would get mad at me because I “gave her an attitude,” but again, I didn’t really believe I was giving her one.
At school I casually mentioned this to a friend a little outraged that I could possibly be so cruel to my own mother. I never gave her details, nor did I tell her it was my mother who thought this of me. She shrugged it off and simply said “my family does that too, it’s normal.” I took this as a way of saying “get over it, we have all been there.” The rest of that day went absolutely nice.
I walked into a classroom. It was a dirty room. The atmosphere seemed different but still pretty normal. In class, we did a jeapordy over the topics we have been discussing. Again, I have no idea how it happened but I got so angry. I cringed my knuckles and breathed deep to keep from exploding. Not a word was ever said to me or anybody, not a motion was played to trigger this abrupt range of emotion. It’s just, it was just…. So sudden. Fine then anger so quickly. Again, why?!?
Late that night I thoughts about the feelings I had in that classroom. Maybe if I felt that way, maybe I really didn’t show my own mother disrespect. I thought about all of it more and came to the conclusion I had really done it and I was sorry.
I felt sad. I wished it would all end. I would look around the rooms and everything could be used to end me. In the hallways at school, I would see people hugging, and laughing and talking. It hurt me to see it all day. Never before has this happened in any circumstance. Why now? It hurt. Later that night I thought about my feelings and wondered maybe it’s just hormonal. I will be fine.
I love my family so much, why do I hurt them? I try to be nice and do my part. Somethings over powers me. Wait! Am I really hurting them? Am I really not doing my part? I am. Not. I wish I knew what I knew, but I can’t sort things out in my mind. I feel so scatter brained. Nothing makes sence and it makes me so angry. I could kill myself. I can’t leave this place though.
Maybe these feelings will pass.
I bet you heard so so so many stories about people that feel and go through the Sames things I do. I bet you heard this so many times it doesn’t even madder any more. I guess that’s why I tell you these things is because you all are numb any way.